I should really accept that writing is my own therapy and do it more often. The time is about 2:15am(Nigerian time) and i am struggling to shut my eyes and sleep, there is this disrespectful headache constantly pounding like an alarm and a strong feeling of unease. I have come to understand that the best way to be in control of a situation is to accept that you are in that situation then seek help or solution.
Losing someone can be extremely painful but you see losing almost all your favorite people one after the other to death~~ That is life changing. 2020/2021 changed my life and all i do now is fight, fight for my sanity ,fight for strength ,for peace etc For over a year now i have been fighting with all my demons. Pause for a minute, now imagine what losing 6/8 of my confidantes has done to me. Imagine how dreadful it is to lose someone after they get close to you. Imagine how you flog and blame yourself everyday for forming an attachment or giving/receiving love. Imagine the torture knowing someone will die or suffer hardship just by being in your life.
Well ,that is the story of my life. scared of attachments or even love from family and friends. I have found serenity in pushing people away and ghosting. Even times when subconsciously i try to open up to love and bonds something coincidentally happens and i am reminded that i am destined to die with my only companion being myself. I remember falling in love with my ex and after a while things begin to get messy for him and once again i am reminded it is my attachment( this is one long story for some other day but yeah he broke up after i had intentionally messed things up so he will get exhausted , i mean thats better than losing him to death or continously watching him suffer)
PTSD is such a real deal and take form in different ways because i have lost alot of loved ones and coincidentally have a lot of people sad or suffering that i am close to then automatically my brain has synced with this events and agreed that people die or suffer when we form an attachment or bond . I get scared and push people away in the bid to protect them no matter how much it hurts me. I somehow blame myself once a person i am close to dies or hurts. I close up and suffer a long cycle of depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes it gets physical like my body vibrating and severe headaches.
Honestly, i recommend therapy for every form of ptsd and even if you cannot afford a therapist then i suggest self therapy like i am doing right now, WRITING” because it is late and my therapist would probably be snoring in bed at the moment and i can not sleep or be calm if i do not fight this demon. Asides from therapy, i am also seeing a psychiatrist(no,i am not mad rather i have a mental illness) he placed me on the best antidepressants and anxiety pills, so there is medication too but you have to get instructions from a provider.
Honestly, having a mental illness is a whole lot and it does not go away overnight regardless of treatment so it is best to just always choose to fight for you and avoid dim witted people who will constantly remind you that you are weird. Do not be like pushing people away, you heal faster with support and love so accept if from your folks. I hope we all heal soon.